from Children

[ . . . ]

he came to school
a head taller than everyone else clearly
his mom dressed him and ironed his clothes
he couldn’t help laughing
his smile spread from his full lips
his enormous hands took up the whole desk
his adam’s apple like a plum, like a chestnut
he came to a birthday party and my sister leaned in
with baklava and I saw his eyes tear up and everybody else’s
I wore a dress from mother’s youth
first I thought it looked good on me but then I realized
that I looked ridiculous immature 
I wore pink lip gloss and my apartment was
ugly a girl asked me if we were moving
it always looked like we hadn’t unpacked
and there was always a strong smell
there were many people in that apartment and I had nothing to do with them
I was an artist
and people would remember me
and they’d all cry because they didn’t admire me
and they’d all be miserable
but I would be in a big loft and would have
russian greyhounds
he didn’t read books and he shaved his head and
drank beer in the morning and talked nonsense but his hands
so divine and dunked every basketball and I didn’t know
if he was laughing at me
all the time we held hands but he told me
who else liked me
and he had been seeing a high school girl
she had long legs it didn’t matter that I knew that he attended
 vocational school when I went for a walk
during long recess
and he cut classes 
he sat on a low stone wall 
in a spit-covered alley and she sat with her leg resting on the wall
in skin-tight pants and he watched like a dog
like a dog dejected and yearning and dangerous
oh how I hated it they left me there
I was not like him I didn’t know how I got in that
ugly smelly apartment I loved horses and greyhounds
and I wrote in verse and I wore things I didn’t want
which belonged to my older sisters those with meaty asses
lazy cows who always talked about you-know-what
I didn’t know the names of flowers nor trees anymore
I didn’t see the sky nor the well
my days were short and bleak
did anyone notice me
was I considered one of the most beautiful girls at school
did anyone there hear my stomach growl
did my breath or armpits stink
I lived in Argentina in an old colonial house
with frescoes and tapestries on the walls
my great danes lazily followed me through the living room
in the enclosed backyard under the colonnades were rocks
through which grass poked
I had four children and those children of mine knew how to
hit anything that moved with a slingshot
they had thick hair and eyebrows and full and big eyes
they sang all the time and they were all boys
the windows were stained glass as I imagined them and they fogged up
and I saw his hands and long dark legs and
thick neck and I called him oh how I called him to come
I heard them at night in the schoolyard
screeching and howling while I sat by the window and read
deathless literature
and he still took me by the hand and waited for me in front of the music school
but something stood between him and me
something entered my mouth saying the wrong things
what I wanted I would never have
something possessed me
in front of the building were cold-eyed young men
I needed to pass by with my head held high and unflinching
my mom said not to provoke them because the one who got provoked was guilty herself
and if I was the most beautiful girl but no there were a few of them
who were truly very beautiful which I couldn’t compete with
that hurt me to death
I needed to be special
pale bug-eyed arthur rimbaud called me and extended his hand
I waited for the opportunity and would keep waiting
to try everything in life albeit it might be short
to burn the candle at both ends
crippled byron was under my bed
blake screamed from the walls shelley whispered in the dark
the street was so crass
dangerous children struggled to string sentences together
I read lautréamont
I was the promised virgin with a black choker around my neck
I enrolled in high school where I didn’t know anyone
no one knew me
there were better dressed girls from downtown who already
knew all the places
and I pretended to know and then went there to really
get to know them
I was the worst of all in school finally the first on some type of list
mom I smoked and before I lit up I licked the cigarette
the way you did it mama
see I learned something also I tucked my hair behind my ears and
I waved my arms around
you used to say you used to be the most beautiful but I’m not mama
you used to say that you would jump off the bridge and were the best swimmer
I jumped even farther mama look at me
when you took me to karate lessons you sat in the first row at school
to be the best
and I sat in the back so that I didn’t do anything so that I could be
somewhere else mama
somewhere where you weren’t
I was the first to smoke marijuana and hashish mama
I was the first to take pills with vodka and beer
and vecchia romagna brandy and fernet stock the first to date older guys
what is it to you that I change my panties twice a day
I feel like it why are you looking at my panties
you mongrel I heard you say
I couldn’t look at you and I didn’t want 
to pluck a hair from your back
couldn’t you go and take a bath mama I hated
looking for a hair under your shoulder
under your threadbare bra why did you tie that
beautiful hair with a floral scarf made from
my little dress why did you wear crumpled clothing
why were you screaming woman
mama why were you always at home mama it was pointless
I was already fucking mama
chains rattled through thick mud it stuck to the roots
the black hound wasn’t bigger than I
I sat on the black hound
heroin is wonderful mama if you only knew how
it makes you step lightly
I don’t step on my heel and I have a smooth body
I’m not a cow mama and I’m not talking nonsense you’d be proud
what a lady I am mama
music came to me it consumed me from deep within
everybody sang about me for me and one of them would come and
extend his hand and would take me away and save me
I better be someone or die I thought while I 
walked up to the fourth floor everyday carrying grocery bags
for old people and said good day die you grandma and
I will mama I’ll eat the soup I hate you I don’t smoke they’re lying
just you wait you worms I am destined for the big world
I didn’t have pocket money they said when you need something you
just ask for it
they said you have cooked meals at home
when you need something you ask for it they said
rock ’n’ roll pulled bears from my chest and bees from my eyes and
dirt from my mouth
I sank to my knees grateful for it
no turning away from those angels’ hands
until the annoying one from the second floor started clanging the radiator
she had to put her kid to sleep
look I was in london and wore a black tailcoat or a kimono 
with a choker 
nobody knew my name but everybody wanted me to look at them la la
in real london that summer italians walked behind me whispering
bella bella
a strange man invited me and a friend to be
hair models in real london
war began and all our people sat and
watched the news and I said mama now that the war has begun
can I stay in london and be
a hair model
what’s wrong with you she said you stupid cow
I was writing all the time and I didn’t love anybody
I didn’t know how to study it was hard for me and I wasn’t a good student
no turning away from the night
I just wanted to go into town and dance all night
while somewhere nearby or far away they were shooting dying snatching
children to their chests and running
I wanted to wear black with a choker and
I went into town
to that place there to play the song I knew
so that everyone could see me
my dad was often away I tricked my mother and went out and
when he returned
he insulted me and yelled and I told him I would jump out the window
and he told me
go ahead jump
oh I jumped a long time ago only you didn’t notice
and I’ll jump even farther all the way to the end over the finish line
dad man you told me when I wore a midriff
do you want to be just a notch for some guy?
is that what you want?
it’s not that I was a number it’s just that all the security guards knew me dad
when I went to that place
and my boyfriend a singer in a band dad under his mattress
he kept walnuts so after fucking he’d check to see
if he cracked any open he not only looked but also showed it
to everybody dad
it’s no joke dad walnuts are hard

[ . . . ]

what a beautiful room I have now
near downtown in my old neighborhood
it’s just a shame I’m the one in it
this room has an armchair and a chair
it’s just a shame I’m the one sitting in it
there is a cognac and coffee on a big table
it’s just a shame I’m the one drinking the cognac
I’m garbage a whore a traitor and filth
I’m a coward and a degenerate
first I betrayed my father and mother and sister
and brother and various girlfriends those wretches
then all those who were between my thighs
the wretched and the mighty all of them because
whenever they were between my thighs I was elsewhere
I only didn’t betray my children although I thought about it
everyday just to get out the door
and set off for wherever
I’m filth from a long line of filth
I am a hen
an evil hen pecking at turds
an idle hen picking at roadkill
yet I want to be a lone falcon
soaring and seeing afar
what beautiful pictures I have
it’s just a shame that I’m the one looking at them
I have to call people who are better than me to sit there
I have a tray with a mirror
it’s just a shame that my glasses are there
and not from a real woman
I have a large wooden desk
when I got married at nineteen while pregnant at the wedding I
got the most money from an uncle who worked in germany
so I had the desk made by a man who
was almost thirty years old
as old as my first son is now
every part of the enormous desk
was made from one whole beech tree
it’s just a shame that no one serious
writes at it I have a turntable
it’s just a shame that it’s been thirty years
since I last bought a record
some people gave me a few records as a gift
some people I no longer call they may be dead
and yet I haven’t called them
what a beautiful room I have now
I have a beautiful metropolitan view
mom will you visit me
she won’t
she only wants to eat and keep warm
she doesn’t have intelligence anymore nor can she move around
she is sad and angry and wants everyone to visit her and sit
next to her and watch her game shows now
my father is in the hospital and she says what will become of me
he for sure thinks of me there in the hospital
my love
she was crying and she said to me my child
I feel best at your place
but I don’t feel like that mom so what will we do
you used to stay with me and I counted the days
when you would leave for another place mom
I counted the days holding your hand
now it’s your son’s turn
don’t be shy his wife will bathe you
they have a tv and they’ll feed you
and I will look at your picture my beauty
when you used to be my mom
look at me in the picture I was two years old
what was I laughing at look I had an insect bite under my eye
what was I laughing at with my gapped teeth
my mouth and eyes and nose and ears were all laughing
was I running toward my mommy
so they would hug and kiss me
around me the grass and stubble sparse bushes 
in the distance the silhouettes of houses in a bare field
on the bench behind me sat a smiley woman with
teased hair
holding a bald short-necked baby that couldn’t walk
did we know that baby
did the woman go to bed with that hair
my mom didn’t have a hairdo
she had thick raven black hair slicked behind her beautiful ears
my pretty mom
my mom had a broken nose
I have a leather sofa
it’s just a shame that a real family
doesn’t sit on it
when my fat doll my mom came
I put a cover over it
so that she wouldn’t pee on it
my sister said here on this couch
seven people can sit and watch tv
that image saddened me
of seven people sitting watching tv
what would they watch and why
some horrifying news
would they eat afterwards
now you can buy whatever you want
from any part of the world
you go and buy
if you have money
it was a beautiful month of may
will it ever come back
the month of may was long past
and it will not come back