Hitler in My Heart

For Daniela Bojórquez

Noé Morales Muñoz

Illustration by Hugo Muecke

I've noticed that things
upon seeking their course find their emptiness

—Federico García Lorca, Poet in New York


•  [] imply the split of the dialogue on two planes: the fiction spoken and
the fiction that surfaces in the characters' dynamic with others.

•  --> denotes the time a speaker takes to find a precise term for an idea; it
indicates a pause, derived from a search.


Le bonheur que l'on éprouve à aimer n'est pas, forcément,
lié à un amour heureux. Il est besoin d'amour.

—Edmond Jabès, Angoisse d'une seule fin

A, B and C are women.

A: You would isolate his  --> thighs

B: Those long, smooth, fibrous thighs, soft under the skin of your fingers
but hard beneath your grip; they're what you would save for yourself,
what you would possibly cut off and separate from the whole

C: The incarnation of the soft/solid paradox

B: The soft/solid paradox. [THOUGH I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE REALLY
TALKING ABOUT A PARADOX], one of the many in that man's...body

C: He's...thin.

A: Thin indeed --> his build comes from the profession he's embraced since
childhood, a display of muscles like those of the powerful and dim-witted
buffalo, the buffalo known for their suicidal plunges into the abyss

B: Which gives them the image of --> sad animals

C: He's also a sad animal in some ways

A: Not sad now, but he's expected to be sad later...he's young

B: He's not even twenty five

A: Of course not: that's OBVIOUS, but no need to trust your eyes, since the information is there

C: Information flows unrestricted; the facts belong to the public domain

A: Because EVERYONE knows he's not twenty five, EVERYONE knows
he's twenty two, EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING about him, because
he's been in the public eye since he was a boy, a --> runt

B: A runt who nonetheless inspired certain expectations

A: With undeniable talents, but also reticent and fragile which raised doubt
in those who --> provided everything he needed to succeed

C: Those who bet on him

A: You can't call it a bet. You can't call it a bet because those who believed
in him would've abandoned him at the slightest hint of failure

B: They would've left him without batting an eyelash... although with a
sense of personal defeat

C: They would've had no choice but to zip their lips, and flog the very backs
they now turned towards that pathetic little runt

B: They would've lopped off their tongues at the base

A: They would have done this and that, they would have endured hot flashes, and endless sorrows, and still, they would have calmly abandoned him in a muddy field beneath a quivering August rain

B: But his naked body is undeniable proof that none of that happened

A: The naked body of a man who admires himself in a mirror -->  who realizes he is admired as if he were seeing himself for the first time

C: As if his naked body were on the verge of tearing apart

A: The penis is pendulant, still slobbering and blind, it hangs, shrunken after
having inserted itself inside you with certain...apprehension

C: A desperate eroticism...you'd also isolate that, separate it from the whole

A: A madness --> that you try to hide partly because of how you've been raised and partly because the image of his body has suddenly filled you with... the weight of its melancholy

B: You feel like putting out the cigarrete you're smoking while reclining on a bed with white sheets and letting your tears fall with a certain elegance

C: But you don't do it

A: You don't do it because you're consumed by two thoughts. One is of him looking at his body, and the other is your body next to his, he who is  double and playing with his dangling penis in the mirror

B: You cover your body from his which is so different than yours

C: Besides the obvious differences of your gender

A: Of course, besides the obvious differences [WHO THE HELL WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE OBVIOUS], what covers you is --> the contrast

B: The contrast between his skin and yours

C: His skin is equatorial, almost luminous, a skin that reminds you that this is an era of migrations and exiles

A: A skin you would've never touched were it not for the global migrations of the past half century, which caused the biotype of the great cities to change and --> gradually darken

B: You wouldn't be looking at him, you wouldn't have him there, so close to you, were it not for the factors that led to our current geopolitical and --> socioeconomic conditions

C: His skin, his body, he is a walking embodiment of a diaspora

A: Of a widespread diaspora

C: Of the many diasporas that comprise one GREAT diaspora

A: A continuation of the GREAT diasporas of biblical times

B: Seeing him there definitely evokes --> the migratory diaspora of the
Cameroonians to Lavapiés

A: The Romanians to --> Camden Town

C: The Albanians to --> La Trastevere

B: The Bolivians to --> Ezpeleta

A: The Indians to Meyerland, the Bengalis to Ibrox, the Koreans to Parc de Choisy, the Ecuadorians to El Raval, the Nigerians and Turks to Kreuzberg, the Portuguese to New Bedford, the Brazilians to Fall River, the Somalis to Brickwall, the Vietnamese to -->Holeovice, the Palestinians to Yarmuk, the Argelians to La Castellâine, the Mexicans to Pilsen, the Morrocans to Slotervaart, the Chinese to Jupiter --> that unleashed flow, that sensation extended in time, that certainty of being linked to ancient traditions and rituals, that ancient heritage that peeps out in a certain trait, in a mannerism, in a habit, in a certain posture, in the peculiar accentuation of a syllable, everything that meets/converges/coincides in the naked body of the man who separates himself from his image and turns towards you as if he's experienced --> an epiphany

B: The epiphany of seeing himself for the first time

C: He won't say it like that because his narrative abilities are --> limited

A: We should really [BEING RIGOROUS IS IMPORTANT ] explain that his vocabulary is poor, his syntax is imprecise, his relationship with semantics is murky and --> questionable

C: No more than the average person, we should say; which may reflect the shortcomings of today's educational system

B: It's obvious we're not talking about a statesman

C: But it's not up to you to say anything

A: You don't want to question him [DISCUSSING THINGS WITH HIM HAS NEVER INTERESTED YOU], you'd rather listen to those luscious red lips express whatever came to him after those minutes in the mirror

C: Of course, after a tiny --> circumlocution

A: Because he can't say anything without first drawing concentric circles with language before diving like --> a seagull into an idea

C: He talks to you about Scandinavian civility

B: He talks to you about the measures recently adopted by the Scandinavians to prevent car accidents.

A: The Scandinavians, he says [THOUGH WE ALL KNOW HE DOESN'T SAY IT WITH THOSE WORDS PRECISELY] adopted measures that protect drivers who consume too much alcohol. They invented a special key. To ingnite the engine, he says, the driver must first blow on the key which contains a sensor that determines whether he has exceeded the legal limit. If that happens, he says, the automobile won't switch on

B: And the driver, staggering and confused, begins an erratic walk along a snow-covered boulevard

A: Towards some vehicle that will carry him to the house he shares with his wife, an expert in Gestalt therapy, and the two children he had with her during seven years of a marriage as boring as the auteur films produced in those same countries

C: He will walk along the edge of the boulevard, cursing, but without worrying because the drivers going by passed the key test with flying colors

B: The test has a name, a colloquial name

C: He doesn't say that. You imagine it

A: Of course, [OF COURSE YOU IMAGINE IT] he doesn't say it, because he's saying something else

B: Because now he brings up a dream

C: The dream that just woke him up

B: It's really a dream from the day before that he just --> remembered, which came to him while he studied himself in the mirror

A: An urban landscape, a city landscape traversed by crystal. Buildings, malls, residential homes, freeways, pedestrian bridges, all rarefied by this idea. A city made of crystal, a city conquered by frailty

C: A fascist perspective

A: More than fascist, misleading [NOBODY HERE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IDEOLOGIES], a famous city that now hides its identity. A city that despite its beauty can't hide its fragility

B: He speaks....in the dream

A: They travel by the crystal crevasses while holding hands. They admire the translucent walls like a person dissecting a huge beast

C: He stops...in the dream

B: He stops to hold your face and mumble something --> calmly

A: You're here – he says in the dream – and nonetheless my bones already ache because of your absence. I ask myself if yours will ache some day

C: You don't respond

A: In the dream

C: Or now

B: You don't respond because the crystal cracks

A: It's a slight movement

B: Then, a rush to escape the imminent collapse

C: The collapse of the organized lie which is the crystal city

A: A rush – he says – filmed in slow motion in exasperating detail, which clearly means that the scene is cinematic and corny

C: Evidence of the mental damage caused by his exposure to B movies

B: The slow motion doesn't mean they don't escape, nor are their bodies spared the shrapnel, splinters, and daggers formed by the flying crystal

C: Nor are their eardrums spared an attack

A: The BANG stays in their ear like a looming torture

B: Forcing them to stumble while they decide to turn or return, random choices in their frenetic race towards to salvation

C: A mad rush away from the crystal's carress

A: The scene may be right out of a b movie, of course, but that doesn't minimize its --> aesthetic value

B: You don't dismiss what he says because you're surprised by the description, by the precision of his story-telling, the force of his narration

C: Perhaps he has a new relationship with words, perhaps he senses in that room that he paid with a credit card valid in more than one hundred and fifty two countries in the world, that he's finally mastered language

B: I can't stop thinking about it, he says

A: He can't stop thinking about what he said, what his words mean, what they expect in return

B: About what he expects you to answer

A: You can't stop thinking about it either. And you wish you didn't have to say anything

C: Even though he doesn't expect you to say anything

B: He's not going to say it [OBVIOUSLY], but his words create an expectation

A: An expectation marked by silence

B: Because the abyss is there. It's in the room and hovering like a predator

C: You'd better not say anything

A: You'd better not push the eloquence of someone who's never spoken so much and so --> precisely

B: Because those who inhabit their tongues once do so to silence others

A: It's not that you know that; perhaps you --> intuit it

B: Because you cry

A: And you cry even more when he smiles and offers you his bare shoulder to lean on and calm the spasms that ripple up and down your spine

B: Making you to move like an expressionist puppet

C: I know I'll miss you, you want to say, I know the distance will hurt, but my bones won't ache more later than they do now and I can't explain why

B: Because no one has left. Because no one is absent

A: You want to say this and more but you can't. What comes out of your mouth are only uncontrollable cries

C: If he's made for film, you're made for television, more for --> melodrama

B: It's incredible how a man who gained worldwide fame for the virtues of his left leg, for his ability to destroy any machination used against him, for surpassing all enemy lines, has torn you down with a quaint little story

A: He fires now as he fires in the field every seven days, only that his object in the bedroom is much more --> weak

B: You think that while you watch him dress with a calmness that makes you want to grab his curls and bash his head against the wall

C: Or to ask him for some kind of --> commitment

B: Before you were the one who dismissed everything, you were the one who à chose certain options over others

A: But you also know [IT'S OBVIOUS YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T PRETEND OTHERWISE] that that's over, you've just witnessed an emancipation

C: The emancipation of a body through words

A: He asks you for a cigarrette which you light immediately

C: Although the effects of cigarettes on an athlete's body are well known

B: The body you've enjoyed which now hides under an elegant uniform

C: A uniform that defines him, a uniform emblazoned with a team logo he's kissed with brotherly devotion, a uniform that he's sweated to ecstacy

A: An ecstacy shared by his fans, mainly [LET'S FACE IT] unemployed, underemployed, mentally challenged Momma's boys and drug addicts

B: An ecstasy you pretended wasn't there

C: Because you were interested in him, the sparkling aura that surrounds him, but not his success

A: Perhaps your interest has wavered

B: Predictable, given the differences between you

A: But you did go to that room he rented, to enjoy his body as if it belonged to you, temporarily

C: Though you know there's nothing beyond the temporary

A: The truth is [YOU'D ADMIT IT IF YOU WERE HONEST], you don't want anything beyond it; you're safe in the --> routine

B: Because the meetings are becoming more spaced apart and each one is less --> intense

C: There's a growing --> emotional bond

A: A strange bond which you --> question

C: You question its morality

B: No, they're just ordinary questions

A: More than ordinary, practical: because you know it's going [LIKE THE BUFFALO] nowhere

C: You know everything is fleeting

A: Yet having nothing would be worse, and it would be worse still to only be there for --> the glamour and your growing attachment to media exposure

B: You'd like to talk about all that, about your doubts and torments

A: But you don't say anything, you can't say what you want

B: Because you're focused on him as he leaves

C: As the red cedar door stamps behind him

A: Only now you notice that night is perched on the window

B: Only now you notice that your presence in the room has shrunk, that the space oppresses and --> asfixiates you

C: Maybe you're starting to miss him

A: Maybe you sense [WHO KNOWS WHY, MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE A HOPELESS PESSIMIST] that you'll never see him again


Dead words. Dead tongue. From disuse. Buried in Time's memory. Unemployed. Unspoken. History. Past. Let the one who is diseuse, one who is mother who waits nine days and nine nights be found. Restore memory. Let the one who is diseuse, one who is daughter restore spring with her each appearance from beneath the earth. The ink spills thickest before it runs dry before it stops writing at all.

—Theresa Hak Kyung Cha, Dictee

X and Y are men.


[To the rhythm of Guantanamera]:

Thirty minutes

Only thirty minutes

Thirty Minutes

Into the first half.

Y: We were THIRTY MINUTES into the game when the tragedy struck

X: We're sincerely/genuinely/ incontrovertibly--> moved

Y: We tremble and sweat large and icy drops and we think our symptoms are only normal given the --> undeniable MAGNITUDE of the event

X: Without a single doubt/ without fearing we made a mistake/ without any fear whatsoever that we're using too many words / we think we've witnessed one of the most --> stupefying events of the last --> fifty years

Y: Perhaps even more, if we can say that

X: Of course we can...and by saying it we're not ignoring the thousand and one extraordinary events this city has endured throughout its history

Y: Bombings, epic battles, conquests and reconquests; fraticidal struggles, wars against foreign enemies, planned and also fabricated conflicts

X: But also humanitarian gestures, inspiring and selfless acts, moments of unexpected philanthropy in this era of devastation and --> greed

X: The contradictory spectrum of the human condition

Y: But never this

X: Nothing like this, nothing like witnessing a fall

Y: But hang on a moment: he seems to be responding

It's a crucial moment
it's a ZYCODEX moment

X: It looks like he's coming back -for us, for the people, and of course, for his family

Y: What do we know about his parents?

X: Everything; we traced his family tree back for ten generations

Y: A family with ancestry, with deep roots in this city, that now witnesses the drama and pain of one of its prodigal sons

X: Without a doubt this is about ancestry and roots; we're talking about an emblematic family from the very best traditions of this --> multi-ethnic city

X: Let's think about traditional/fundamental/unchanging values such as a respect for work, effort, and of course, meager pay

Y: His ancestors came from unimaginable regions, his ancestors arrived at our ports, their backs heavy with desolation and dishonor, and what did they find here but --> a land of peace, a vast land of opportunity

X: They came – his ancestors – from Caledonia and Bessarabia, from the South Asian and Jutland belt

Y: All under-developed and depressed regions, but we don't care about any of that because he's --> standing up now

X: It seems his tribe's warrior lineage has re-incarnated in him and made him à rise

Y: Not without some difficulty, we must note

X: Not without filling our beating hearts with amazement

Y: Not without palpable tension clinging to the fifty nine thousand three hundred twenty two people who purchased a ticket, in addition to an indeterminate number of distinguished guests

X: And who now live this moment of pain and anxiety with us

Y: Let's not forget his parents

X: Who can forget his parents [IMPOSSIBLE TO FORGET THEM, WE CAN'T IGNORE THE PAIN OF GRIEVING PARENTS], we've now joined them in solidarity and prayer; and that seems to be helping him recover

Y: Our prodigal son – everyone's son, flesh of our flesh – he now stands on the same ground that saw him become a man

X: Is there important information we haven't covered?

Y: There isn't [WE CAN'T LEAVE THIS OUT], we know that our boy is approximately five feet ten inches tall – his weight ranges between one hundred and fifty four pounds and sixteen ounces and one hundred and fifty four pounds and three and a quarter – depending of course on his diet and mood – that his zodiac sign is Virgo; that his destiny is ruled by the very seventh moon of Saturn, which is why his temperament tends to be melancholic; that his blood type is O positive, unequivocal proof of his unbridled generosity and good nature/

X: He fell again

Mr. Commentator:
Could you do us the favor
of giving us the time?


X: It's truly/terribly hard to DESCRIBE what we're watching here

Y: He's being treated by doctors

X: A first rate medical team is focused on bringing him back to life

Y: What do we know about his father?

X: We know everything [OBVIOUSLY], employed in construction, forty eight years old, married our hero's mother in a second marriage under very -what some might call disgraceful -circumstances, three daughters, all three younger than our young man now being treated by a --> defibrillator

Y: His heart should respond to the --> electric shock

X: His heart should also respond to the fans' encouragement, those same fans who have embraced him during the good times and the bad, who catapulted him to an early but very well-deserved stardom

Y: Let's only remember what happened six months ago

X: It was exactly six months and three days ago, when out of his left leg – a priviledged, extraordinary leg – shot a rabid meteor that pierced the goal defended by a towering and powerful German goalkeeper

Y: Actually the goalkeeper was a Berber employed by the Germans

X: They can't expect us to be PRECISE now [WE'RE OVERWHELMED, DAMNED IT], but what no one can forget, what is indelible is the trail of wind that tore through the box towards the goalkeeper who could barely focus on the bullet that became his team's death sentence

Y: Do you remember the look of resignation in his eye?

X: The look of someone who knew he had just witnessed a --> miracle

Y: In fact, that's what we're waiting for now: a miracle, another one


Y: A resurrection that is taking its time

X: That is making us wait on this mild and placid summer afternoon, which we could have never guessed would end in this --> unfortunate outcome

Y: No one here considers/foresees/desires an unfortunate outcome

X: But at this point we should start to consider it, given the circumstances

Y: We're told that an ambulance equipped with the best technology out there for resuscitation and recovery is on stand by to transfer our hero to a hospital at any --> given moment

X: People are starting to feel impatient, which is natural given the nature of everything they've seen

Y: Images are being broadcast all over the land --> shocking images of his teammates, who look simply stunned by what they're seeing

X: Several, in fact, have started to show signs of desperation

Y: Others feel impotent

X: There are tears of anguish, tears that loom over our own eyes and which would fall were it not that our professional obligation --> forbade it

Y: We have to trust a) The doctors with the credentials and awards that prove their professionalism and experience b) our hero's youth and physical fitness, a boy who barely saw hair – that very sign of manhood grow on his fibrous body c) the fortune and lucky star of someone in the flower of his youth, who has shown simple affection to all who've been touched in any way by his hand, and who has been rewarded by the good will of the people, all HIS fans who now begin to chant his name

X: It's a unanimous chant that --> raises every hair on our bodies

Think clearly:


Y: It's now becoming extremely --> difficult to NARRATE what's happening, but we'll try because it's our duty and our contract --> calls for it

X: Bewilderment turns to --> chaos

Y: With an attitude we can only call commendable, and we say this to be fair, the rival has now joined hands for what looks like a --> group prayer

X: The hooligans at the southern end of the stadium are threatenening to
--> knock down the fences to get closer to their idol

Y: They must think that'll help him recover that way

X: We certainly don't care what they think [WE'VE NEVER CARED, AND IN FACT, WE EVEN QUESTION THEIR ABILITY TO REASON], but the truth is that they're being --> foolish at best

Y: They've placed an --> oxygen mask on him

X: Therefore, we can now say that he's surviving on ventilation

Y: Of course we can [THE USE OF AN OXYGEN MASK SHOWS THAT, DAMN IT], we're not exaggerating when we say his life is in danger

X: His life hangs by a thread

To your health?

Always MAGNUM.

MAGNUM: the confidence of a hundred years

Y: Perhaps we can't do much else besides pray with his Mother

X: What do we know about his Mother?

Y: Forty six years old, educator/ mother of one [THE ONE WHO NOW LIES BEFORE US, OF COURSE] and a stepmother to three girls, a woman who drove away the demons of breast cancer and infidelity to preserve that most respectable social institution in our thinking society

X: The mob at the southern end of the stadium is anything but thinking

Y: An ambulance has reached our boy and the doctors

X: They will quickly take him away, one more instant [I APOLOGIZE FOR INSISTING ON THIS BUT THE THREAT OF A TRAGEDY DROWNS ALL VOCABULARY] could prove --> fatal

Y: We've been told an operation has been set in motion, which includes the blocking of several roadways, they're reversing the direction of others, to guarantee the boy's transfer to a hospital --> as quickly as possible

X: Could someone tell us if those explosions in the sky are a sort of --> sign of grief for what happened to our hero?

Y: In fact the cops fired rubber bullets to --> calm the swarm which seems determined to burst through the fences to the field

X: It's time to approach the players


The BIG cigarettes

With a SMALL price

Y: We can't speak with the players, we have to keep away from the turf by no less than fifteen yards

X: Can we get eye witness accounts?

Y: Impossible, we've been asked to leave all areas we're not using for work

X: Perhaps at this point we're risking our integrity

Y: Perhaps there's no one--> to protect us...here

X: They're taking him

Under pressure you need to chill out

GLUCKSTEINER: A moment for freshness

Y: The cheers are deafening

X: The chant has changed; it doesn't ask, it demands

Y: We should run

X: We should run for cover

Y: But we won't abandon our work

X: What are they shouting?

Y: They want him alive

X: What are they saying?

Y: They want him back

X: What are they singing?

Y: They're chanting some famous melody

X: What are they saying?

Y: We don't know if we can repeat it

X: We can, we  are--> allowed

Y: Bring him back to life/tadadada tadada

X: Tadadada tadada?

Y: Bring him back to life/you stupid motherfuckers

X: They're saying that

Y: They --> demand it

X: The situation is absolutely out of control

Y: The rubber bullets have increased in number and intensity

X: The police have now --> let the dogs out for crowd control

Y: For dangerous situations like this one

X: The racous multitude IN FACT --> is blocking the ambulance

Y: The fans DEMAND to see their idol

X: Like parishioners trying to touch a saint

Y: Like religious fanatics before a --> sacred object

X: The fans FOLLOW the ambulance, ignoring all security measures, they're trying to TOUCH the window on the back door

Y: In fact, many carry images of this player whom they venerate as an example of effort, honesty, and success, all virtues they themselves LACK and are trying to obtain with these expressions of --> barbarity

X: At what point did this society stumble? At what point did we reach such a state of thoughtlessness and utter stupidity?

Y: We can't say exactly

X: It's not UP TO US, it's not UP TO US to provide answers but it is our job is to condemn these --> misfits who consistently violate the harmony of a sport that exemplifies --> our very values

Y: Those of us of a certain --> breeding

X: Who now face the undeniable threat of rubber bullets and dogs

Y: We're harmless

X: We do nothing but --> talk

Y: Maybe incite

X: Maybe exacerbate the emotions of this exciting sport

Y: Maybe become the vehicle that unites the people with their heroes

X: Perhaps we're the throats of thousands, perhaps we're the extension of the doctors' fingers massaging our boy's heart, perhaps we're the electric shocks trying to revive the boy's --> exhausted body

Y: Perhaps we should stop

X: Perhaps we should numb ourselves

Y: Perhaps we should turn into --> peddlers

X: Perhaps we should --> give away promotional items

Y: Perhaps we should give away jerseys autographed by our fallen hero

X: We have, in fact, ten of them

Y: Let's offer them to our listeners


BLACKSWAN JEANS: for individuals with individual ideas

X: We'll give them away to those who call us after a brief commercial break and answer a simple question

Y: While everything calms down

X: While we sort through the chaos

Y: While we catch our breath

X: We're sincerely/genuinely/ incontrovertibly -->

X/Y: moved

translated from the Spanish by Maria Alexandria Beech

Hitler in My Heart
was a finalist in the National Playwriting Award Youth Category, Gerardo Mancebo 2008.