her
the rain
14 — post
him
her
hello
nikki
adam?
I‘m in the clean room
she posted something
what?
about the big bang
what?
adam
I’m in the clean room
I can’t just
what’s going on
hanna
yes
she posted something about
the big bang
what? now?
no
not now
then
just before the accident
I don’t know precisely—
I don’t know why
I’ve only just seen it now
it just popped up
and that’s why you called me
yes
I thought
well
she’s your daughter nikki
she really is your daughter
I‘m all
I don’t know
excited
yes
what fourteen-year-old
talks about the big bang
on social media
only hanna
precisely
and she was online again too
adam
that’s—
active 44 minutes ago
it says
adam
since we’ve been in singapore
she’s online again sometimes
yes
no
that’s
I think I’m going mad
no
it doesn’t mean anything
I know
I know
probably just a
zero or a one
that’s gotten confused
or one of her friends back home
who knows her passwords
yes
but
it makes me happy
that’s why I called you
I feel—
adam
I’ve got to go
ok fine
see you later
kiss
kiss
adam
yep
I love you
15— big bang
him
the rain
you announce
that the hubble space telescope
has made a picture
of the state of the universe
13 billion light years ago
while the big bang is only
13.7 billion light years
away
we’ve approached our origins
up to 0.7 billion light years
you write
we’re just around the corner
your enthusiasm
brings tears to my eyes
you talk of
the first sunrise of all time
you write
how the energy of the big bang
congealed to matter
the first atoms
three minutes after the initial explosion
the ratio of protons and neutrons
was already defined
after thirty minutes
hydrogen
helium
and a smidge of lithium
and finally the first stars
the first stars
so the first sun
the first sunlight
a bit of light
from those first stars
has to have been
travelling towards us
since then without ever encountering
anything else
so the fact that we have now
via radio waves
picked up this very first light
is just
I don’t know
astounding
it’s actually
a dip
in the cosmic microwave background
you write
picking up the radio signal of the initial sunrise
wasn’t easy
because our own milky way
produces much stronger radio waves
something like
being able to hear the wingbeat of a hummingbird
in the middle of a hurricane
but the fact
that you know all this
and apparently understand it too
makes me
go all mushy
gee
how do you know all this?
just do
you can’t have learned
this at school
I read a lot
I never knew
that this
interested you
you guys were busy
it never really interested me
physics
that’s the weird thing about it
that it suddenly
gets to me now
through you
I suddenly feel—
like a speck
a dot
a single atom
in the universe
or the multiverse
who knows
and oddly enough
for the first time in months
I no longer feel alone
hanna
as if I understand you
as if you’re here with me
I am here
here
here right beside me
yes
it’s the strangest thing
look
tubs
I’m more of a
dead is dead kind of guy
I don’t believe
that we’ll ever
in any real or ethereal shape or form
meet again
it’s not because I’m dead
that I no longer exist
remembering is a form of encounter
at least
that’s what the therapist said
mum and I
went to see a few times
not that that lasted very long
but
I do think
there’s some truth to that
if you can imagine me
then I exist
if you can imagine me
then I exist
did you really say that?
naturally
naturally?
there’s nothing natural about it
why not?
I don’t know
it seems to me to be
some kind of
trick of the mind
really?
yes
no
I don’t know
I searched for you
searched?
yes
do you mean—
hanna this is just—
I have to get home
this can’t—
don’t go
tubs
no
no
please
no
I’m staying here
as long as it keeps raining
I’m staying with you
whether this is real
or not
bloody hell
what is this
it’s me dad
I won’t leave you
hanna
I haven’t felt so—
in months
we’re together
we’re together
so here I am
talking to you
yes
about the birth of the universe
of all things
big bang
big bang
you can say that again
while I know nothing about
einstein
and his theories
einstein didn’t devise
the big bang
or hubble
or max planck
or whatever their names are
it was a catholic priest
from leuven
in 1927
georges lemaître
georges lemaître
he called it
the day without a yesterday
never heard of him
daaad
a priest?
yes
unbelievable
who had lost his faith
no no
he was deeply religious
unbelievable
he thought
the two were wholly unconnected
well that’s logical
of course
or maybe
illogical
of course
I don’t know
there are more things
in heaven and earth
horatio
than are dreamt of
in your philosophy
right?
that’s what shakespeare said
right?
hanna?
where are you now?
say something
shit
where do you go
when it stops raining?
fuck
16 — quantum mechanics
him
her
tell me all you know
about the big bang
lovely to see you too dear
sorry
nikki
who
who conceived it
the concept
I don’t know
adam
what have you come up with now
think
(why don’t you) look it up
what do you know
jesus
who
most of it
will have been
thought out by now by
come on
what’s his name
come on
he just died
guy in the wheelchair
the universe is expanding at a rate of—
come on
hawking
stephen hawking
yes
but who thought
up the concept
first
initially
big bang
yes
that was meant as a joke
big bang
yep
british scientists
who tried to ridicule
the theory
at first
ridicule
yep
boum boum
big bang
brigitte bardot bardot
lovely bit of alliteration
I’m hungry
what are the dinner plans?
okay
hawking
einstein
hubble
planck
who else
adam
er yeah
come on help me
it slipped my mind
what’s the guy’s name
with his atome primitif
a belgian conservative
a clergyman
greg
gregory
grégoire le
greg lemond?—
lemaître
georges!
georges lemaître
how do you know?
must have been somewhere
in the thirties
why?
just
to be sure that
what
that I’m not going—
never mind
I’m having a yoghurt
yes
you?
and this lemaître said
that the universe is constantly expanding
yes
growing larger
guess so
and so it had to have started off
very very small
yep
with that primitive atom
strawberry or
cherry?
what
no
it was actually
a clash of
matter and antimatter
the antimatter
devoured all the matter
but there was a tiny bit of matter left
and from those leftovers
everything originated
by chance
yes chance
we all still carry
a fragment of that primal matter
inside of us
each one of us
yes
stardust
yes
but that’s about the extent of what I know
it’s all so long ago
if you want
I’ll ask around in the lab tomorrow
there’s sure to be a guy there who—
hanna wrote
that scientists
caught the first sunrise
via radio waves
yes
how is that even possible
how can light
be sound
yes
that’s what they call
wave–particle duality
what
does light behave
like a wave
or as a particle
yes?
the correct answer is
both
(and it wasn’t really sound)
okay
now I remember why me and physics–
it’s hard to understand
because we have the compulsion
to categorize everything neatly
that’s only natural
actually—
if you’re not going to eat this—
go ahead
what seems unthinkable
can turn out to be reality after all
our capacity for abstract thought
has to be stretched constantly
I’m doing plenty
adam, we’ve known each other
for more than twenty years
and we’ve never talked about this before
yes
luckily
give us a hug
it’s unbelievable
certainties
have been replaced by
probabilities
no doubt
that’s the essence
of quantum mechanics
okay
I’ve got to go
adam
it’s pouring
exactly
adam
what
I remember now
what
the song
the greatest thing
you’ll ever learn
is just to—
is just to—
it was on the tip of my tongue
17 — you’re alive
him
the rain
you’d suddenly gone
it had stopped
raining
can’t you rain
a bit longer then
no stupid
I’m not god
I don’t believe
in any god
but you believe in me
yes
that’s pretty new
that’s not fair
I believed in you
whatever
but now
I could spend hours
just talking to you
I never had that before
at least you haven’t started
nagging me
like you used to
why would I
duh
okay
simple
’cause now
you can’t really see me
how you’re
slumped on the sofa you mean?
you also don’t have your smartphone
with you
during dinner
did you know I smoked
hanna
and was planning on
getting into some heavy drinking too
stop winding me up
can’t handle it?
no
;-P
according to your mother
we are all made up of stardust
yes
sounds like a fairytale
right?
you always read to me
from astrid lindgren
that was when your mother
was in intensive care
I remember
karlsson on the roof
yes
the little guy who could fly
a man in his prime
and perfectly plump too
just like me
no one believed
he was real
no
you’ll never
have kids
hanna
no
thanks for reminding me
sorry
I’m stuck in puberty
for ever
oh noooo!
does mum know?
what
about us
no of course not
no
our little secret?
yes
I suppose
how could I tell her
she’d never believe this
your mother is all logic and reason
however
bring her
is that even possible
will she see you too?
idk
me neither
certainties
have been replaced by
probabilities
will you stay together
that’s—
I don’t—
we have to
hanna
we have to stay together
why
who else
is going to keep you
alive?
it’s our obligation
obligation?
yes
to embrace
to circle
the void
you left
I’m here
but for how long
as long as it keeps raining
the monsoon season
ends soon
that gives us till then
yes
yes
did I ever tell you
that I—
what
never mind
what
too mushy for you
thought so
yes
your phone’s ringing
what
your phone
oh sorry
typical
sorry
go on pick up then
yes
and don’t forget about my birthday
what?
no
course not
okay
I’m off
okay
hello
no
no
no
hanna
18 — she’s dead
him
her
nikki
nikki
pick up
for god’s sake
nikki
again
fuck
lee
hello
is nikki around?
no?
well tell her it’s me
I’ve been trying to—
no?
then get her out of the lab
now
jesus
adam
what’s going on
I can’t just
it’s hanna
she’s—
what
no not her
of course
but I—
I was so—
and then I got a phone call
about an unpaid bill
and when I got home there was an email
a bill
adam
a bill
for the ambulance
now still
nikki
I felt as if I
and then
I crashed
you need to come now
I can’t adam
I’m in the lab
I have a meeting
you need to come now
for fuck’s sake adam
I can’t
I can’t get away
call me later
(she hangs up)
nikki
she is dead nikki
19— thinking & counter-thinking
him
her
(for fuck’s sake adam)
what the hell was that?
you pull me
out of a fucking meeting in the lab
for what
a bill
it was the ambulance
nikki
I know adam
is that a reason to call
couldn’t it wait?
they produce a bill
after seven months
then I suppose it could wait
till I’m home
that’s wasn’t the point
I wasn’t able to function for the rest of the day
so you should have come home
don’t be ridiculous
then at least
you would have been there
for me
oh are we going down that road again
jesus
I need you nikki
you work too much nikki
you don’t talk enough
you take too many pills
anything else?
now who’s being ridiculous?
well you’re doing just fine
obviously
I’m far from fine
that’s why I called
so why do you always give me the feeling
you’re happier
alone
when I’m not around
jesus nikki
you have memories
you dream of her
you talk to her
I couldn’t feel my legs
for fuck’s sake adam
I stood there shaking like a leaf
all fucking afternoon
I was back in that ambulance
she was right next to me
she was still alive adam
and now I’m stood there
I had a board meeting this afternoon
which I cancelled
for no reason
why
what reason should I have given
sorry we just received a bill
ohoh!
that I needed you
jesus man
that your child is dead
our child is dead
that’s what you could have said
they don’t even know
we have a child
adam
and why not
I have to run a company
of 4,500 people
highly specialized scientists
from all over the world
who are at the top of their game—
we’re talking a shit load of money
millions
money
yes money
and jobs
and research
that could possibly save lives
I can’t just jeopardize all that
for one afternoon?
if my policy
my performance
depends on my mood
your mood?
my state of mind
my feelings
my emotions
then I can’t do this job
I mustn’t be feeble
I can’t be weak–
the only reason you can do
this bloody job
is because your child is dead
nikki
because you no longer have a child
yes
yes?
yes adam
I’m well aware of that
we both are
why do you
act as if she doesn’t exist
bloody hell
isn’t she dead enough yet
that’s exactly why
we left home
nikki
because people
refused to talk about her
we left home
because we
couldn’t pass by
those stairs
every morning
and every night
neither of us could
sorry
that’s wasn’t fair of me
I shouldn’t have said—
it’s the truth
yes
it’s the fucking truth goddamnit
sorry
as long as hanna was alive
I would never have dreamed
of accepting this job
and you know it
yes
and I cursed myself
in that ambulance
adam
because for so long
I didn’t want to have kids
because my research
my career
had to come first
all my friends had kids
and I didn’t want any
I’m not made
to have children
that’s what I believed
I thought pregnant women were ugly
I thought I was
ugly
when I was pregnant
I was cranky
I retained water
I was nauseous
I spent so long
wondering if we had made
the right decision
and now I finally had a child
and there she was she next to me
in that ambulance
dying
it felt as if I was being punished
adam
it’s my fault
she’s dead
don’t say that
it’s—
it was an accident
dominique
and you had her in your arms
there at the bottom of the stairs
not me
you
you were there first
you were the fastest
you were the first to hear
you were the first to be alarmed
you tried to do something
you
you
you
not me
and I hated you for it
I just stood there
and watched
that’s not how it went
nikki
I had nothing adam
I was alone
I could only watch
how you held her
I saw her face turning blue
and I couldn’t do anything
I just stood there
watching
you said everything twice
what
you said everything twice
as if it had to sink in
I don’t remember that
and only after you’d repeated
everything
did I realize
I needed to act
I said
she’s turning blue
she can’t breathe
she’s choking (to death)
help her breathe
help her breathe
you said it
twice
and only then did I realize
that I actually needed to do it
her tongue
was in the way
thick
between her teeth
her jaws
in a kind of a lock
I had to pry them open
it felt
like blowing up a balloon
FFT FFT FFT
that’s how I felt her lungs
open up
that you knew
what to do
I didn’t have a clue
I was just winging it
so I didn’t have to let her go
I wanted to keep her with me
me
not you
I thought it too
just like you did
it was
as if I was constantly
anticipating
so that later I could say
I had her in my arms
she died while I was holding her
that made my grief
greater
more important
than anyone else’s
than mine
yes
holding her
gave me a free pass
to not have to do anything else
I couldn’t
you see
I’m holding a dying child
in my arms
I’ve never thought so fast
as then
in those few moments
the neurotransmitters
went about their business
and I was mostly
occupied with myself
not my child
not my child
you said it
twice
and I was ashamed about it
but I thought
exactly the same
not my child
but whose child then?
I sat there
as a pietà
with my child on my lap
my trousers
wet from her piss
so this is it
I thought
this is it
she’s dead
my child is dead
I have a dead child
behold
ecce homo
poor me
the drama that I’ve longed and
searched for
to enliven my life
is now unfolding
this is it
an indescribable feeling
of cowardice
came over me
coward
you’ve already given up
apparently
I’m only thinking of
myself
my own grief
as the seconds are ticking away
I even wondered
goddammit
if I’d write about it
there
at that moment
she was still alive
I still had her in my arms
nikki
I caught myself doing it
and felt like an egotist
the whole time
the neurotransmitters flashed
past my synapses
immediately correcting my thoughts
thinking and counter-thinking
it’s too late
she’s already dead
no coward
don’t give up
do something now
becoming desperate again
and correcting once more
thinking and counter thinking
for me it felt as if
everything had
frozen
that there
and then
everything had already come
to a standstill
a day without a tomorrow
our life was over
what took that ambulance so long?
come on
breathe
pump
I’m not done with this child
we‘re not through with one another
not you
I thought
hanna
not now
we’d had so many rows
those last months
because of your petulant
and fickle behaviour
you really got under our skin
you knew perfectly
which buttons to push
you played us like a pro
so now don’t you dare
die on me
not you
not now
come on
breathe
pump
pump
pump
not you
not now
we’ll call it a truce
hanna
all our conflicts
forgotten
right?
come on
breathe
come on
I love her nikki
yes
and you
yes
we have
a real bond
us two (nikki)
even though it was thoroughly disturbed
by our kid
and now
after all these months
I feel as if
I lived through all this
only with you
and
at the same time
I’m a pit of
unfathomable
loneliness
I can’t remember
how they got her from that floor
into the ambulance
all I thought was
this is my punishment
the whole ride
to hospital
next to her
I never really wanted a child
and now they’re taking her from me
this is my punishment
those first hours in the emergency unit
this is my punishment
in the waiting area
outside the operating theatre
in the family room
where they came to bring us the news
this is my punishment
this is my punishment
why do we keep beating ourselves up?
and that surgeon
who came to express his condolences
he was sweaty
was still wearing that strange little cap
he didn’t shake our hands
and directed us to that tiny room
we tried our very best
and it pains me
to have to inform you that—
I remember him saying that
that struck me
it pains me
to have to inform you that—
and then that pause
why don’t you fuck off
with your pain
she
she is in pain
we
we are in pain
do your bloody job
tell us straight
and piss off with your pain
I found that
so presumptuous
as if he looked to us for consolation
to us
while
back home
a lovely dinner
was being prepared
in anticipation of his homecoming
I’m running a little late dear
goddammit
what would we find at home
a puddle of urine
at the bottom of the stairs
and traces of blood
(silence)
she looked so dead
adam
yes
so weird
her skin colour was different
yes
more
beige
or something
yes
they’d already removed
her organs
by then
yes
all this time
I’ve been wondering
what those children’s names are
there’s four of them
what
four children
that’s all we know
yes
I hope
they managed
what
to survive
yes
they have to
bloody stairs
yes
I shouldn’t have picked her up
no
I didn’t know
no
or maybe I did know
somewhere
but in a reflex
they said that
in the end
it couldn’t have made a difference
no
that’s what they said
yes
adam
she (just) simply
fell down the stairs
slipped
on her socks
millions of people do it
every day
yes
it’s not fair
no
I’ve read all your messages
what
to her
on her profile
how
I asked lee
to hack her account
her passwords
why?
I had to be sure
of what
that she hadn’t done
something stupid
that she hadn’t sent someone
somewhere
a note
an explanation
I went through it all
adam
there wasn’t anything there
or at least
there was loads
but nothing bad
she was just (simply)
a fourteen-year-old girl
with a load of friends
who miss her
and still send her messages
every day
I read them all
that’s how I survive
yours too
you’re so sweet
adam
nikki
come
I need to show you something
(curtain)
